I provided the following talk on 3-21-24 to the Strength for the Journey team at Aultman. Thanks to John Ortberg for the inspiration and content for this talk.
Thank you for having me. Thank you to Terry, Joy, Janice, and the team. This afternoon I want to share something that has been on my mind for about two years. What I am going to share I believe holds the key to a fulfilling life.
This afternoon, my goal is to give one simple thought to provide strength for your journey today. This thought is super memorable. It is highly likely to change your life.
Have you ever tried really hard to make a relationship work, or make loved ones, friends, or colleagues like and accept you, but failed?
Is there an endeavor, a project, a goal, a task that you want to accomplish and you are trying with all of your might, but you just can’t get it right?
Are you trying really hard to sleep or to have faith, but you are just failing?
If you are trying as hard as you can, but not getting where you would like to be, here is something you could consider. Try softer.
As a high school wrestler in the 90s on a team that won the NBC championship five years in a row, we prided ourselves in trying harder than everyone else. We resolved to work harder than any opponent and our practices were grueling. During practices, the wrestling mats would be so covered in sweat that we would slip on all of the water. I know this may sound dramatic, but I honestly felt like I was going to a place like hell every day after school. As a high school sophomore, I would try so hard, but I would fail. Not only would I fail, but I would get beat up, exhausted, and find it hard to even want to wake up the next day. Saturday morning practices were the worst. They would begin at 8:00 and would be a harder version of everything we endured the week before. Well, one Saturday morning was different. Somehow I remember transforming into a carefree happy, ornery way of thinking about practice, young man. I went into this mode where I could stay loose, laugh, and I had a grin on my face. I remember my eyebrows being raised. I remember feeling like I wasn’t trying hard at all, but here is the crazy thing….I was winning. I was fast, quick to react. I was able to get into and out of positions that made me unstoppable. Guys that would usually crush me and everyone else in their path were not able to beat me. I went from hating Saturday mornings to being happy and no worries. The crazy thing, everyone around me was both shocked and really mad and annoyed at the same time. My performance was outstanding and I didn’t know what happened. Instead of trying harder to be a better wrestler, I was able to shift into this more laid-back wrestler who was still working hard, but I was just almost allowing something to flow through me to be more reflexive and less cognitive. I suppose you could say I had unlocked the code to learn how to try softer.
I see this in my patients. Something goes wrong with their balance system so they try harder to have good balance. They tighten all of their muscles and try to control each movement and each step. You know what happens? They become hypersensitive. They feel more. They start to think that normal sway and normal movement are abnormal. Their system becomes overheated because they are trying to control a bodily function which is balance, that was never meant to be controlled. Balance is reflexive. Unconscious. Instead of trying harder, I have to teach them to try softer.
Many of my thoughts in the next few minutes come directly from John Ortberg. John is a pastor who speaks from his heart. He has endured many challenges and I find his transparency to be just what the doctor ordered.
A pastor who heard John Ortberg’s sermon on Try Softer preached about it at his church. His 8-year-old granddaughter was visiting from out of town and listened to his sermon. He often wondered what she heard when he was preaching. The day after he preached he took his granddaughter and family to the airport to go home. His daughter couldn’t get the luggage handle to retract so he tried. He was forcing and pushing hard. When everyone was frustrated, his granddaughter stated, “Try softer” Grandpa. He relaxes his grip, and pushes the button gently, Wouldn’t you know? The luggage handle retracted beautifully.
John tells the story of trying to lead for everything he is worth when he first began his ministry. Working extra hard. Working over. Supervise. Challenge. Come in early. Stay late. Exhausted. Someone came in and told John he was working and trying very hard. Here is my advice for you. “Try softer.”
John goes on to state that sometimes trying harder, more strain, and more work, just begins to feel contrived and ineffective. You are not at your best. You are not natural. He states, “If trying harder is not getting you where you want to go, try softer.
trying softer doesn’t mean trying is a bad thing. The ability to exercise effort is a glorious capacity God has given us. But if trying harder is not getting you where you want to go, here is something you might try. Try softer. Instead of white-knuckling, teeth-gritting, clenched fists, more effortful, trying to be in control.
A thought that John gave in his talk that has really struck me personally is that “control is the master addiction.”
To kind of summarize this main point is this. “The kind of trying that doesn’t do us good is when we are trying to control what we are not able to control.”
Ancient greeks. Painter appellas. Trying to paint foam from horse's mouth when the horse is running. Tried, tried, tried. Couldn’t do it. Threw a sponge for cleaning his brushes against painting and that sponge created what he could not do. When he quit trying so hard, it happened.
We all know this. Athletics. There is a moment where trying to hit a serve harder actually reaches a point of diminishing returns. Playing a piece of music doesn’t cut it. Trying hard to impress someone actually makes you less yourself. So then, try softer.
Again, what exhausts us is not effort. Capacity for effort is good. What is exhausting is when we try to control, what we are not able to control
I want to take a moment to reflect by making a statement and then asking a question: Trying softer means learning how to control only those things that you can control.
Reflection: Can you think of a time when you were in a state of letting go. When you were able to loosen your grip. Knowing you were doing your best, but you weren’t trying to control the outcome? What was that like? How did you get there?
What is your greatest barrier to trying softer?
For me, it is probably my habitual need for control- the outcome will be the way I want it to be.
Control is the master addiction
Anyone addicted to feeling safe.
Why is control so addicting?
Which personalities are more susceptible?
We quickly forget that there are some things we just can’t control
I think it is because we have habitual ways of thinking we can control everything.
Leslie Farmer, a college scholar, states that we live in the age of disordered will. Two realms of the will:
Objects we can control by choosing
Goals/trajectories/outcomes that we cannot control.
Can will knowledge, but not wisdom, can will going to bed, but not going to sleep. Have you ever tried really hard to go to sleep? I can will eating, but not hunger, bravado, but not courage, religiosity, but not faith.
(In summary, while religiosity focuses on the outward expression of religious beliefs through practices and adherence to religious traditions, faith is an inward conviction or trust in something greater, which may or may not be tied to organized religion. One can be highly religious without necessarily having strong faith, and vice versa.)
(In summary, while bravado may involve a superficial display of confidence or boldness for the sake of appearances, courage involves a sincere willingness to confront fear or adversity, driven by inner strength and conviction.)
William James noted there are certain endeavors like a name you are trying to remember and the harder you try you can’t remember, but when you give up it just comes. It just comes when you try softer.
That is a picture of grace.
The ability to try is a good thing. Give examples of things where trying is helpful and when trying is not helpful
Try to create a restful environment, but you can’t try to sleep
Try to make your muscles stronger, but you can't try to have balance.
Try to make your heart healthy, but you can’t try to make your heartbeat
Can eat lots of carats for better eye health, but you can’t try to make your eyes see.
The mystery of trying softer involves a daily ability to reboot our default mode to be in control
Let go and let God
How do you do it?
How long does it take?
Jesus Matthew 11. Religious people sent the message to try harder to believe in God, Try harder to be a more spiritual person. Try harder to be more faithful. When he came to people who were exhausted from trying really hard. Jesus said come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart. And you will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Jesus said, if you If you are tired, come to me and I will give you rest. Take my yoke.
This is interesting. Jesus says he will give us rest by giving us a burden. A yoke is an instrument of burden and work. Ortberg states “He doesn’t say I will give you Valium or a trip to Vegas because we were made to contribute, but we wear ourselves out trying to contribute.”
The commandments were a great gift to Israel, but the Rabis had to try to figure out how to apply them to life. We all have a yoke- The yoke is a way of life. We do this. We try to do everything just right. We consult experts. Did you know that if you take all the advice from experts it would be literally impossible to function? If you add up:
How much time do all the sleep experts say you should sleep a day
Health experts say you should work on health-related activities a day
Financial experts say you should manage finances a day
Parenting experts say you should be parents
Vocational how much time do you spend at work
Totalled up= 36 hours a day to be perfect. Impossible.
So. We have to understand that everyone has a yoke. The question is whose yoke will you choose. Jesus says my Yoke is easy.
Ortberg states that transformation from the inside means learning to rely on God’s power, not on my own power. It begins with surrender. “I can’t, He can. I will learn to let him. Your will be done.”
Good carpenters go to a farm and build a yoke that is specific to the stronger more experienced animal. Hole may be different so the stronger animal can bear the heavier weight.
Jesus was a good carpenter. We don’t bear it on our own. Neither do you. John states, “That is why I don’t have to go through life with my teeth clenched, my brow furrowed, my muscles all tensed up.”
Amazing things happen when you relax.
Father, help us to relax and take it easy.
So today, John states, “Try softer.
When it comes to your relationship with God, don’t try harder to have more faith. John tells a story of fainting twice because he was trying so hard in his early days. Just try harder to trust God? You ever try harder to have faith? Try softer.
Don’t try harder to get more done faster. You can’t control time. You can’t control traffic. You can’t control your computer freezing, the wifi going down, the person coming late to the meeting. Try softer.
Today in your relationships. Instead of trying to manage and control your friends, your relatives, your spouse, your x, your kids, your colleagues, your parents. Let them be them. Let them worry about them. Try softer.
Today at work instead of obsessing about that email, that project…try softer.
That is the easy yoke.
One day at a time.
Practical application:
So this is easier said than done. It is wonderful to hear, but another thing to practice. If you are like me, you might have times when you do well at focusing on only the things you can control. However, the lines become blurry. It is easy to become exhausted because we lose focus and we try to control everything.
“Life is like an obstacle course. each challenge requires its own unique balance of skill, timing, and focus. So don’t expect to conquer new obstacles using the same old strategies. Make sure to update your approach.” Calm App
We need to continually update our approach by learning to work on controlling the controllables.
Application step one:
Recognize we have to train to learn to give God control of things we cannot control. Giving over control does not come naturally. It is not our default mode. Did you know that oxen have to be trained to work in a yoke?
We aren’t doing life alone. We have to learn to allow Jesus, the Holy Spirit, God to take the lead and share the burden.
How do we do that?
Take an inventory. Write it down. Learn upon which things we have influence. Control the controllables.
For instance, I can come to work prepared. I can learn. I can do my best.
I can’t control others' responses to me. I can’t control the weather which can make patients cancel, the building mechanicals- the air conditioning the heater. I can’t miraculously heal diseases. I can manage diseases. I can’t miraculously heal people, but I can help create the optimal environment for them to heal.
I can provide concepts of healing to people, I can teach them what to do, but I can’t understand it for them and I can’t force them to practice healing ways of life.
Make a prayer journal of the controllables in your life. Ask God for guidance and to help you do your best with the things of which he has given you control.
Ask for miracles and healing with those things that you cannot control.
Make a new habit or continue to build the habit of trusting God.
The habit of trusting ourselves and counting on our hard work to fix all problems and prevent all problems is hard to break.
Step one: Be honest. Upon which God are you placing your trust?
Trusting the wrong God will cause failure.
Trusting the God of money to fix everything will cause a false sense of security because money cannot fix everything, stocks fall, prices go up, and money eventually runs out.
The God of health to make it all better is not dependable because we are all human.
The God of safety only exists until it doesn’t.
Step two: Cultivate a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, second-by-second relationship with the God who is powerful overall. The God who will not fail us. Learn to talk to him and turn over the moments and events that you cannot control. Trying softer means more of Him and less of you. I can’t. He can. I will learn to let him. How?
This really happens through prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.
Father: Love me. Patient. Kind. Etc
Art in heaven: Not bound to earthly father examples or rules. Supernatural power to overcome and do anything
Hallowed be thy name: Unlike any God. Set apart.
Thy kingdom come/thy will be done
Not about me. More of you. Less of me.
Fasting:
From phone
From apps- stock market ticker. One of my Gods is money. I look to money to provide security.
Optional
Step 3:
Learn how to relax muscles you don’t need on physically. Scanning through sign breathing/gathering energy.
Conclusion: Trying softer is simple to say. Harder to do. Takes practice. Not our default. As we find strength in our journey together we will have more moments with him and less with us. We will be at peace. So remember this: God did not take the fire away from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, he was there with them and that seemed to make the fire cooler. Jesus didn’t take the apostles out of the boat, he stayed in the boat with them and that seemed to calm the storm. God did not take Goliath away from David, he was with him which seemed to help as he threw the stone. He didn’t take the flood away, but he directed the ark, he didn’t take the hunger away from the crowd, but he provided bread and fish.
Trying harder means doing life alone and trying to control what you cannot control. Instead. Try softer.
